Did you know that psychiatrists want to kill you? 19 April 2009

During my Easter vacation back in my home country, I got to see a special exhibition in the capital. It was called “Psychiatry: help or threat?” and was organized by the Citizens Commission on Human Rights (CCHR). I have never heard about this organization (apparently being founded by the Church of Scientology) before, but their exhibition was so well advertised that it was one of the first things I came across when entering the city.

I could easily guess already from the poster I would not like it at all – having a master degree in psychology is one thing, having a common sense the other. However, I wanted and went to see it anyway as I was really interested to know how it would be presented and received by the Bratislava public.

First of all, the exhibition was packed every time I was there (went twice, but never got to the end of it, as my friends got annoyed and wanted to leave). There were weird people handing out leaflets and balloons in front of the building, there were plenty posters around, basically very well managed marketing-wise. The exhibition by itself consisted of a number of movies guiding you through the history of psychiatry and the alarming situation nowadays. As I said, I didn’t make it to the very last movie, but I managed to see the one about how people (Americans) have employed a weird fashion having a psychiatrist and taking too many drugs, how Skinner (a behaviorist psychologist) kept his daughter in his famous box, and how psychiatrists in concentration camps were misusing their medical authority. Basically, it was correct information used in a very manipulating and incomplete way. I got actually seriously pissed!!!

I suppose that situation in the US probably might give rise to some of these worries. From what I’ve heard, psychiatrists are forced to be as fast as possible in treating to get the insurance companies pay.  It might explain why the short-term behavioral therapy is so popular (apart from being effective) and drugs probably too. But saying that some psychiatric clients might need some more attention than they are actually given and stating that psychopharmaceuticals are useless is a huge difference! The CCHR was even offering a movie that should guide you through the process of stopping to take your medication!!!!!

I can accept  the effects of a good advertisement strategy. I can accept coming across campaigns that I don’t agree with. I can accept hearing arguments from the other side. But… when I was looking at the number of people that were filling out the CCHR forms about their bad experience with psychiatry, I became sad. Slovakia is not ready for hearing these lies. Visiting a psychologist or a psychiatrist is still very much stigmatized and discouraged. And I couldn’t help myself imagining a troubled person, maybe struggling with an onset of depression, coming to see this exhibition and deciding never to ask for medical help, thus possibly endangering his/her life. I wonder if the CCHR would take responsibility for that.

HIV-negative! 9 April 2009

One of my friends got HIV-tested a couple of months ago. She told me about it with a fear in her voice, impatiently expecting the results in a few days. I was a bit surprised by her reaction and was calming her down with “Come on, of course it’s going to be negative!”. It was.

Yesterday, I went for a usual check-up to my doctor. I asked for the HIV-testing too. There was not really an obvious reason for that, I have been responsible. Still, you can always find specific situations that make you wonder – and worry. And it actually took me some time to decide to do it. It’s funny that you’d rather “not know” then to know the bad results. Mine were supposed to be the day after.

Wow. I spent the whole 24 hours wondering what it would be like to be HIV-positive. I was imagining calling my boyfriend to tell him the horrible news and feeling the immense guilt I would probably feel. I am not sure our relationship would survive that. Then I thought about calling my ex-s, them calling their ex-s and so on. It scared me.

I called the doctor this morning. All my results were fine. I was happy. Then I spent a few more moments thinking about arguments I would use to convince others to test themselves, too. Well, seems like, from the psychological point of view, there are not many. It will freak you out, make you imagine sad things you’d rather hide from. And the argument “the sooner you know, the better” did not really work for me. So, I suppose, there is at least one truth left – the value, quality and length of your life and the life of your loved ones.

When I hate democracy… 7 April 2009

I am not really into politics. I think I missed the point where I was supposed to read a lot of news, have more questions and educate myself more in history than I actually did. Now I feel like I will never be able to catch up with the world and understand why some politicians and countries are behaving one way and the others are not. However, this doesn’t prevent me from caring about what is happening on the political scene of my home country.

Just now, there was presidential election in Slovakia. As usual, the candidates were ranging from one extreme (a woman from a communist party reminding you of a grandma working in public toilets) to the other (decently looking guy with strong Christian background). I couldn’t vote in the first round as I was out of country (which pissed me off as I view it as a breach of my rights), but the results were expected. Our current president (an ex-communist that does not speak English and thinks “Google is for communication”) and a woman (an educated sociologist from a democratic party) got the most votes, with him leading. The difference was small, so I was very excited to be able to vote in the second round and hopefully make a difference.

Well, it didn’t happen. After a stupid and offensive campaign in the last two weeks (using our Hungarian minority as the secret group who wants to use the female candidate to establish autonomy of their region in Slovakia, spreading fake leaflets, and saying “ordinary” lies in live TV without hesitation) our current president won by 11 percent. Everybody around me was really disappointed and pissed. Where the fuck are all these people who apparently have their ears sealed??? How come they cannot tell populist bullshit from real opinions???

I know this is not only about Slovakia. I know there are probably a lot of people in the world feeling the same way as I do (and even with a political orientation opposite to mine). But once again, it makes me wonder, how democracy is supposed to work when demagogs with suspicious background cannot be outvoted as the majority of society believes them. Maybe these are simple people from villages or pensionists (and maybe not). Ok, that’s fine, as not everybody can and wants to be educated. But how can we then make a change???

Black or white! 3 April 2009

I am aware that I have always had the tendency to be judgmental. About people, things, pretty much everything. And it is true that it is much easier to think you know exactly what it is all about than to try to make yourself better and see also other points of view than just yours. It is difficult to change, but luckily enough, I like changes and believe they are (almost) always a good sign.

In this way, it is extremely educating to meet people that kind of remind me of myself a few years back. With strong opinions, with needs (and skills) to present them at any occasion and, very often, with tendency to try to convince you to accept them as well. I am not saying I am not the same, I still tend to express very clearly and bluntly what I think and feel and I don’t even plan to change that (yet). But the encounters of me and the people similar to the “past me” show a little difference, especially in the situations when I hear one of these “and this is totally right” opinions. Well, it is not much – I usually just shut up to prevent confrontation – but still something! On the other hand, I still wonder – by me not saying anything, aren’t these people by any chance getting their opinions reinforced as a result? And if so, is that the right thing to do or not? I have no idea. But I suppose if you had met me five years ago and tried to explain this to me, I wouldn’t have listened either.

And I am actually being selfish and rather try to use this kind of experience for my own good. I know that in a few years’ time, whatever I am doing today, will be viewed by my “future self” as being worse than whatever I will be doing at that time (it is actually a confirmed psychological tendency of people in general), but yeah – at least I’ll walk the path to that point on my own feet!

Are you happy? 23 March 2009

I have a feeling that when people ask you this question, they either:

1. are not really interested to know and in this case expect a simple “yes”, or

2. are really interested to know and in this case would doubt if you said “yes”.

I might be wrong. But somehow it seems to me that in general, happiness is not usually believed in. And a few days ago on the train (where I like to think freely as the landscape moves), I wondered what I consider happiness. I was truthful to myself and admitted happiness to me means a state in which I no longer wish or long for anything else.

Next thought – Fuck! I have to change this definition, otherwise I’m screwed for life!

Such a baaad blogger! 23 March 2009

My blogging activity through the past months is really shameful! I am sorry to all those few people that check “my secrets” regularly (I hope there are some!) and always end up disappointed. Seems like even dreaming about having faithful followers who would admire my writing is not a motivation high enough for me!!!!

Naah. I suppose it is because I don’t really have too much time left to “think”. Translated into my language that means no time to wonder about things that are usually not that needed or useful in everyday life. Especially now. I am busy learning Danish intensively (3,5 hours a day), looking for a job, working part-time for university, writing a book chapter on autobiographical memories. Plus spending time with my boyfriend, trying to keep in touch with my dear (and often neglected!) family and friends and in between this all, balancing my happy-hopeless feelings about my present life.

Still, I am the same person. I still analyze everything around and inside of me, only I somehow don’t get to write about it. Shame. I’ll try to get better!

Cheesy Valentine’s Day. Or? 14 February 2009

Nope. It is not enough that you are seeing hearts, angels and kissing couples everywhere you look. It is not enough either, that somehow, all the products of this world (and I do mean ALL) can be related to love and at the same time “happen to be” just the perfect presents. (Isn’t that awesome???) It is not enough – because you can read about this great day right here as well! (And that’s awesome too!!!)

Sorry. I don’t really want to preach about the market pressure or however you might call the whole chaos about selling and buying all the stuff people actually don’t need. It happens at all occasions and I am sure there are even more to come (what about a “Sister’s Day”?). And let’s face it, if some can actually afford to buy those things, good for them! What I was thinking more about was my own history concerning this day. I suppose some years ago I was thinking it is a good idea. That somehow artificially – but still! – people get reminded about saying nice things to each other and appreciate the presence of the ones they love. I remember I used to give affectionate letters to my friends instead of my boyfriend (as I didn’t have one then lol) and it kind of became a tradition. But then, things got pretty crazy! I mean the marketing madness all around. And today, somehow I am not excited about “being somebody’s Valentine”.

And you know what it makes me think about? How different people deal with social pressure in different ways. I guess I lost the belief in the meaning of this day because I felt somebody else (this bad, bad monster called market) is telling me I should believe in it. On the other hand, I am sure there are others who celebrate Valentine’s Day only as a consequence of this pressure. And at the end, we are probably not that different at all – as both of us change our opinions and preferences according to the majority.

P.S. Sorry I love you too much! 14 February 2009

As I expressed it here some time ago, I am pretty aware of my “friendship strategy”. Give everything and expect the same. Sometimes it works, a few times in the past months it didn’t. Of course it made me disappointed. But one day I somehow realized that I couldn’t blame it on the others. Have any of my friends, boyfriends or girlfriends, ever asked me to do that? Have they wished for receiving that much from me? Most of the time, they didn’t. And then, I am the one feeling deceived when the only one who deceived me was myself.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. 5 February 2009

Every time that something from my current relationship reminds me of something from any of my previous relationships, I get scared. And this happens even after me finally realizing that I have been the same person in all of them, so logically, not everything can change from one to the other.

 

But still, I am just so afraid of making the same mistakes again. 

Gotcha! 5 February 2009

Yesterday I realized you were right. I do manipulate you with my feelings. But you know what? You are manipulating me with hiding yours so well.